I spent the longest time just lying in bed thinking today. I've been so busy with so much rubbish I haven't had very much me time lately. Anyway, I've been reflecting a lot. Like I think especially on my secondary school days.

You know how they say whatever's done is done and we should all just learn to move on. I think move to the next thing we might, but somehow we end up dragging everything along with us for the ride. I'm the first one to admit it, I've done a lot of things I'm not especially proud of. My friends now would never believe the person I was a couple of years back. I know this should come from me when I'm like thirty and thinking of my teenage years, but I think somehow in the last 2 years or so, I did more growing up then the rest of my years combined.

I really wish I could take everything back. Like go back in time and change it all. Like enjoy being 14, instead of trying so hard to be 21. I think the hardest lesson IJ taught me was you can't ever really trust anyone. At least not a bunch of teenage girls. I'm way closer to my IJ friends now then I ever was back then. Maybe with the possible exception of Punitha, who I've always had this really special bond with. But like Jenn and Kat, I think I know them now better than I did then. Thank God, because they're more or less quite unaware of what I used to be, or what I still sometimes am.

Its strange for me, going to school everyday now, being the good girl, sucking up to teachers for the fucking SGC(though I can't much be bothered anymore), and worrying about being late every morning. Its strange cause I've never been this like good girl ever. I see what my SR friends and classmates consider 'bad behaviour' and its just so ridiculous. Everyone's so sheltered, so blissfully unaware of life. I don't get how people live their lives following every single rule. Doing their homework dilligently every day, staying at home on weekends to mug. Its fucking crazy. A week of that and I'd commit suicide.


My friends have told me I've mellowed out. Drastically. I'm like this completely different person most of the time now, though you do catch glimpses here and there. Bitch got quite shocked today when I called some random guy a fucker. See what I mean? Absolutely ridiculous. In IJ I never minded much being by myself and whatever, cause school was just something you went to for a couple of hours a day. Once you got out of there you went and found your real friends and had your fun. Though I'll concede, every relationship I ever had during the period was completely fucked up. Now though, I spend so much of my time in school. I'm around people I feel completely uncomfortable with most of my days now. I mean of course there's Bitch lah but I mean everyone else. I worry about handing in assignments late, I worry about missing lessons. I worry about flunking now when I've always been the effortless above average student. I now worry about things I've never ever worried about before.


I'm considering making this blog private. Then I can really blog without using euphemisms for everything. I'm tired of being so vague. Its so draining and there's just no sense of accomplishment at the end of it. I think its really about time I stopped hoping for someone to come rescue me from this mess and get out of it by myself. Now all I need is a few more days every week, a few more hours to each day, and a few more pencilled in notes by the side of all my lecture materials and probably a lot more working brain cells. Abso-fucking-lutely great.

When I was just a little boy,
I asked my mummy what will I be.
Will I be handsome,
Will I be strong,
This is what she said to me.
Oh Adrian Adrian, you are so very handsome and smart.
Clarissa's the adopted retard,
And forever you'll be my favourite.


HAHAHAHA. Big wave of nostalgia hit me today. Adrian used to irritate me with this all the time. In case you didn't realise, its the Que Sera Sera song, just horribly re-phrased. He alternated between this and HBK's Sexy Boy. As annoying as it was, I really miss those dumb days.

This is what makes growing up so damn hard.

At the rate I've been moisturising, if you're wondering what to get for my birthday, industrial sized St. Ives would be nice. Yes, Clarissa has finally discovered the joy of sleeping with air-conditioners in the sweltering heat. Speaking of which, while drifting off during my afternoon nap and listening to the klunk klunk noises my air-con was making, I couldn't help but imagine it exploding. Like delicious orange flames all over, and me burning to death. Haha quite ironic right. Like the air con burning me. Hahaha, nvm, I'm very lame. Anyway, I was just thinking it'd be a pretty cool way to get out of A's.

Andddd, I'm finally, hopefully, comfortable enough to blog about this. Though I may sink into depression once this is over with. I'm rather sadly to say, no longer an S. Yes, I've moved on to adjusted M territory. The nightmare started when we went shopping for my bridesmaid dress. We went to Daniel Yen among other stops, and saw this really pretty dress. I tried on the S, and like the top part and all really fit very well, until it got to my hips. Where the dress kinda looked a little stretched. Then we tried the M, where the hips fit, but not much else. So I've now landed myself in adjusted M territory. We're probably gonna get that dress so I'm just gonna have to deal. Oh the worst part of it all, the other bridesmaid could fit into the S. And she's like 25! I'm trying really hard not to whine, but its so unfair. I would never have this problem anywhere else, where dresses are made to fit real bodies, not rectangle (literally everywhere, what with all the flat surfaces) Chinese people like everything in Singapore is tailored to fit. Eh I should really lock my blog soon, what with all these random racist comments all. Nevermind, if the boys love my hips as Shane says they do, then I'm still a very happy girl.

I've now reached the end of this very bimbotic post, feel free to leave tags telling me you love my sexy hips too. Hahaha. Night night.

CLARISSA HAS NO FRIENDS.

I'm probably the only one who finds that funny, cause there's no one else to find it funny with me.

Since I haven't gone for confession since my IJ days,

Guilt

1. Allowing Dad to drag you out for ice cream since you've been cooped up in your room the whole day studying. When you're really been catching up on your weekly shows.

2. Finishing two bags of Lays and 4 cans of coke while watching your weekly shows.

3. Lying to your parents that everyone else failed the Math and Bio papers too. When you really haven't paid attention to/attended any of your lectures.

4. Smoking 8 cigarettes in a row, yah lah no big deal, but considering I smoke like one a week. Hahaha. Followed by like 20 inhaler puffs. Damn asthma.

5. Calling up all your best friends to whine about how awful your life is, and not bothering to ask how they're doing.

6. Flirting with your friend's boyfriend.

7. Sleeping the rest of the day away, instead of starting the study plan.

And that's just today. God help me.